Overwhelming Frustration

I had originally wanted to post about setting long term goals, a "30 before 30" if you will. But then, something happened yesterday that made me change my mind and I decided that I really needed to write about something else. Something that has been culminating for months and yesterday it became very obvious to me how much of a strain it had put on me. It is the feeling of overwhelming frustration.

I have been applying to jobs for the past three months. Now, I know there are people that have looked for a lot longer and maybe three months is not that long. But, I had thought that I would have found a job by now that was decent. And if I had not found a job well, maybe I would have been called in for a few interviews. I have now applied to a total of one hundred jobs. I have had two interviews. One claimed that they will call me in for another interview, but never did and the other was a sales job that I thought was going to be a digital marketing job, but it wasn't. I was offered that job, but I didn't take it because it did not interest me in the least bit. And it was commission based pay. (Of course, in hindsight seeing that I have had nothing, maybe I should have taken it and just kept applying to jobs).

So I have had a lot of free time. I only spend about 3 or 4 hours applying to jobs, typing up cover letters, or figuring out the best way to enter field and that is not always everyday. I figured that I should work on some things that I felt like I did not have enough time to do before. I can work on my Spanish, I can finally write more, I'll put a dent in my books that I own and have not read yet, I can spend more time making videos and learning more about editing, and I will most definitely be able to run more so I can run a half marathon or maybe even a marathon this year. It's going to be great! I will definitely make the most of my time and after a while, I would have other skills that I can put on my resume or maybe a writing portfolio. Something to show that I wasn't just sitting around!

At least, that is how I felt at the beginning (as in about two months ago). But the frustration of not even getting call backs from the jobs I was applying to started to seep into everything else. When I sat down to write, I started to feel that what I was doing is useless. I would read over what I had written, think that it was crap, try to rewrite it to be less crappy, and fail. I stopped trying to write, even a little bit, everyday. I did not feel like my Spanish was getting much better and not that it would matter because there was no way I was going to become fluent within a few months of practicing and refreshing my memory unless I moved to a Spanish speaking country. I stopped caring to improve it. I was still making and posting videos on YouTube though, but even that was starting to feel useless. All I have to edit is Windows Movie Maker. There is only so much to learn from editing on that terrible excuse of a video editing program. But, I can't afford to purchase Adobe Premiere until I got a job that would give me money. I even was beginning to be bored with what I was reading, which is probably the greatest indication that not finding a job was really getting to me.

But, I was trying not to let it get to me. I mean I am a middle class college graduate not able to find a job, but it is not too bad because I am able to live with my parents. I have nothing that I should truly be complaining about. Why complain? Why even be frustrated? I am just being a brat. A lazy brat at that.

Not quite.

Then, a string of events over the past two days caused for the last few bits of straws to break the proverbial camel's back. My aunt and uncle had been visiting here for the past month and two days ago, we took them to the airport to head back to Egypt. There was some trouble at the check-in counter. The woman working tried to say that their names did not match (which they did) because it was not the same last name, but all of the names listed on the passport was on the ticket, there was just one less on the ticket because naming in Egypt (and many other countries I am sure) is different that in it here (shocker). Then, she said that my uncle's passport had expired because it said 1-9-2013. My dad was a bit taken aback. I think he somewhat panicked that my uncle's passport had expired while he was here. So I jump in with a "No no no! That means 1 September 2013." I was a bit angry at that. I understand that most people in the United States do not know or realize that the dates in every other country are that way, but when you work at an airport where everything there, including American passports are dated that way, you should know better.

Then, she gave us a 1-800 number to call to redo their reservation because a flight delay would cause them to miss their connecting flight. There were a few people behind us in line so, at the time, it was understandable. Then ten minutes into the (hour long) phone call, her line cleared up. And I was stuck on the phone giving information for someone to place a reservation for a another flight. Something that lady should have done. It pissed me off. Not really that she was a crappy employee, but that I essentially did her job right then and there, reading the dates for her and finding flight reservations. She has a job! She is incompetent and has terrible costumer service, but she has a job and I do not. It felt like a personal insult that she has a job and she is terrible at it and I do not when I would be excellent at it.

The next morning I went back to the airport to drop them off. Due to my dad's paranoia, I had to wait until everything was done with them. So I sat in the airport for an extra, unnecessary hour. I know it is not that big of a deal, but I had to wake up earlier than usual and the airport now reminded me of my apparent lack of something, because I could not get a job but an incompetent person can.

Finally, I got home. I had this great idea for a video and I was going to record and edit it and it was going to be hilarious and it didn't matter if it didn't get a lot of views because I would think it was hilarious and that is what matters. Then my camera fell over while I was trying to set it up. At first, I thought it was not broken because it was working. I gave a sigh of relief. Then, I tried to turn it off...and it wouldn't. The lens was bent and I hadn't noticed the first time. I tried to push it into place and it didn't work.

So I screamed for about 10 minutes straight and hit a door. Then I stopped screaming and started crying. I cried for about 20 minutes. It was terrible. I kept saying random thing out loud about giving up and not wanting to do anything anymore. This was obviously an overreaction to a camera breaking. It was not even really obvious if it was permanent because my dad hadn't looked at it and he is good with fixing electronic devices. And even if it couldn't be fixed, I had my iPad that I used to use to make videos. I had a phone that has a 720p front facing camera.

It wasn't about the camera.

I was trying my hardest not to be frustrated or not to complain about my situation, because I did not feel that it was a situation that warranted complaints that I did not realize how frustrated I was with myself and my lack of success with looking for work. It became obvious in the moments when I was done crying. It is not that I felt sorry for myself. I was just feeling an overwhelming amount of frustration that was captured by the the moment of my camera breaking when I was recording a video.

So, I went downstairs and sat on the couch and watched eight episodes of Community in a row. It worked wonders. I felt much better and it helped me release more of that frustration. I know it will not go away overnight. I don't even think it will go away the instant that I get a job either. I know that things like this blog post will help. I know throwing myself back into the extra things that I used to enjoy before getting frustrated with everything will help. I will not get frustrated with myself if I skip a day or two of job searching or work on my writing and then decide it is not worth pursuing. I will not get frustrated with myself if I take a day to watch Netflix all day. I know I cannot control what happens around me with employers not calling me in for interviews, but I can control how I react to it and that reaction does not need to be a sense of overwhelming frustration.

Well, maybe a little bit of frustration.