In the Clutches of Fear

Perhaps "clutches" isn't the correct way to describe it, but, well, I guess I should describe the situation first.

I have been looking for and applying to internships (and a few jobs but mostly internships) over the past few months. I haven't gotten any calls from any of them, but I also haven't applied to a ridiculous amount like I did before I landed a job at Starbucks. So, I didn't get that feeling of complete failure and hopelessness that I got before, because hey, at least I have something of a job and I'm in school and surely I'll land something upon graduation, right?

Basically, I took that pressure off of myself which has made me apply to things that are seemingly more interesting (which will help me in the long run, so I know what to really look for when the time comes) and I've just relaxed more when it comes to the job hunt. At least that's what I thought.

I thought that I was not feeling so much pressure and that's why I wasn't applying to quite as many internships. Then, about a week ago, I came upon perhaps the most perfect internship position. It came through an email job alert I have and through a university email. It is a sales and marketing position that goes until August with the possibility of a hire and, of course, with it being an internship I can stop working right at August...and it is at McKee Foods, the company where my mom works. I ought to be a shoe-in for this position. I am going to apply through the university and I will be able to make note of my mom as a company internship. I have the experience and education from the past few months to be able to bring in and highlight on my resume and then interview that will likely allow me to stand above the other applicants.

In short, I am qualified, it is interesting, and I have a connection via school and family.

And I am scared I won't get it. My hopes are way too high for this position and I know there is a great chance that I will not get it, just like with the 400+ other positions I have applied to, but I am now too scared to even apply to it. Which, as we all know with the great 'you miss 100% of the shots you don't take' quote, means I definitely will not get it. I thought that I was over it. I thought I had overcome the job application fear. But, I think now, I am much worse than I before I started the MBA program. I think part of it is because I am comparing myself with other people in the program along with my friends from undergrad and co-workers. There are people in my exact 'situation,' but they have things working better for them whether it is in their career fields or personal lives or whatever else it may be. I have more comparisons and instead of ignoring them and focusing on me, I use it to become distracted and fall into the clutches of fear.

So, yeah. I guess clutches was the correct terminology.

Turning 24 and Looking Back on 23

Yesterday, I turned 24. It was not anything particularly spectacular, but it was nice enough. Fortunately for me, the entire country decided to celebrate my birthday with me, so I didn't have class or work, which really was the nicest thing of all if we're going to be honest here.

And now that I have started my new year, I think about the past year and how many ups and downs I had with being 23. 23 started out on an incredible high. I went to Europe within the first 6 weeks of being 23. It set very high hopes for that year, even though I knew that I would never reach that same high, at least not within that year.

But then, as somewhat documented via blog posts, I hit some severe lows. Sure, they were not the most terrible things that could have happened to me, and that seems so much more obvious in hindsight, but at the time, it felt like the lowest low.

There is nothing like living at home, unemployed, out of school, and constantly feeling like a failure because you can't figure out exactly what you want to do/how to get to the point of doing what you want to do to send you into feelings of depression. I didn't realize it that it was depression at the time. I thought that I was being a brat and feeling sorry for myself, which I guess it's partly true, but it did not become so obvious to me that it was coupled with depression until we got our new puppy, Nymeria, and I found myself not being sad anymore. Sure, at that point I had been accepted into the MBA program, but that feeling or uselessness and just being sad went away with a new puppy.

Finally landing a job is probably another highlight of my year. It felt more like relief than anything else. I was relieved that there was someone that thought that I could be of use. It is going pretty well so far, at least I think so. It will probably get itself its own post in a few weeks (or months following my usual blogging trend). School is alright so far. Then again, I have yet to have a test or anything major graded, so I will reserve my judgement for my year as a 24 year old.

But, through the ups and downs, moments of relief and panic, feeling hopeless or hopeful, I learned a lot about myself during 23. I learned that I need to instill an awful lot of self discipline if I were ever to become a freelancer of any sort (I won't). I learned that as much as I saw and put out the vibe that I do not care what others think or what society's standards are, those expectations and comments still get to me if I am not feeling confident enough in myself. I learned that having a narrow perspective and being stubborn can be damaging to my future. I learned that I shouldn't give up on a dream because it seems "out there." I learned that traveling truly is my passion and I want to find a way to always do it and to make sure that everyone I know does it too. I learned that an adventure does not have to just be wandering the streets a foreign country, but can also be going to a local store you never visited or striking up a conversation with an unlikely stranger. Most importantly, I learned to not be too hard on myself. Sure I have moments of being lazy and not doing what I should be, but most of the time, I am trying my best and that I will eventually get to where I want to be as long as I don't tear myself down.

Here's to being 24.

Getting a Puppy was a Great Indication that I Do Not Want to Have Children for at least 10 Years

That's a long title for a post, but I felt that it was necessary. A little over a month ago, there has been a new addition to our household and as you may have guessed from the title, it is a puppy. My brother found her at a shelter and decided to get her. A few weeks later he decided that she should live with us in our house instead of just with him at his apartment. I really don't know what he was thinking having her locked in his apartment for a good chunk of the day as she is a puppy, but he did have some help in form of a play pen. A play pen that became useless approximately a week after she was brought to our house as she had gotten too big for it.

He claimed that she was mostly housebroken, already reacts to her name (Nymeria), and was 3 months old when he got her from the shelter. All of these things turned out to be untrue, granted that last one was not his fault so much as they were obviously clueless at the shelter. It turns out that now, about 2 months after he got her from the shelter, she has yet to grow her 3 month old teeth. So she was probably about 4 weeks old when he got her..and then would leave her alone sometimes for hours at a time. As I have grown attached to her the past month or so, thinking about this makes me really sad, which is part of the reason why I said what I said in the title.

But, getting too emotional over my puppy is the least of the reasonings. No, there are quite a few more and they are a bit greater of indications than that one. It is tough taking care of a puppy. Taking her out to use the bathroom, cleaning up her messes, making sure she doesn't chew on the furniture, training her to do simple things, and of course spending almost all of my time with her, because ohmyGod why would I leave that poor little baby all by herself, she'll get sad. So it's hard and I feel guilty leaving her alone. I don't even want to imagine how hard it would be with a human baby and OHMYGOD the guilt to come with that if I ever left the baby alone.

Sure, I may be overreacting but, I don't think I am too far off. I mean really. I am struggling with this puppy and I don't have a job and am currently not in school. Fortunately, by the time the semester starts again in August, she will be a bit older and things won't be as difficult. But, man this responsibility and feeling guilty and not knowing if the people I am leaving her alone with will take care of her like I do (keep in mind, these 'people' I am referring to are my parents) is only going to be intensified by 5000% with a child. And with that, I know I can not possibly be ready for that for at least another 10 years. I don't care if by that point I have been married for several years and we feel that there is a gaping hole that needs to be filled in the form of a child, we'll just adopt a puppy until I reach that point.

That Thing That I Always Wanted to Do

You know how when you sit and think about things that you want to do and wonder why you never actually get around to doing them, even though they are (usually) pretty doable? No? Just me then? Ok.

Well, this is a bit of a problem for me. So much so, that I end up doing nothing at all that I aspire to want to eventually and/or be good at doing, because I do not set aside a few hours a week (or even less in some cases) to work towards said thing. Instead, I look at the daunting task ahead of me and then kick myself a year or so later because I knew that if I had just started on it a little bit a year ago (or two years ago or a few months ago...you get the idea), then I would have conquering said task. Things that are completely within my grasp and that I know that I can completely accomplish because there is nothing blocking the way like the need for a ridiculous amount of money or waiting for some blind luck that will help me get to it. These things become "that thing that I always wanted to do."

You would think that getting past the blockade of needing money and fear of asking my parents for me to do something that they may not be happy about and then jetting off to Europe for a month, would have ended all of this, but it hasn't. The funny thing is that if I am put on the spot at anytime about listing things that I have always wanted to do, I would come up blank (except for the traveling thing because I feel like that is practically a given with me). Recently though, I have been dwelling on a few of those and, the most shocking part is coming up, I have been taking steps towards achieving them.

I know, right? It's crazy!

For the past few weeks, I have been consistently running. Sure, it has not been as many times as I would like, but 2-3 times a week is a lot more often that the average of once ever 2-3 weeks. I think the fact that I am allowing myself to get into it more gradually is much more useful in getting myself back into that habit, and eventually to a marathon, than trying to just throw myself hardcore into it. I also set a bit of running schedule to follow for a few months, so the structure is helping too.

Another thing that I have always wanted to do is to work on my Arabic so that I can become fully fluent. This is one of them that I am constantly kicking myself for because I know that it will not take that much time and effort from me and I would be fluent in a matter of months. Today, I started working in an Arabic textbook and have set myself up a bit of a practice schedule. Again, it isn't as grueling as things I have planned out in the past, but this is the sort of thing that doesn't need intense overload sessions, just consistent small sessions until I reach that level of fluency.

The last thing I am currently working towards is working for some sort of fandom website. I had a chance at that a few years ago when I worked for the Wizrocklopedia, but I sort of blew it. I didn't stay consistent with it and I even had a chance to step in and save the whole thing and I didn't. Now, I am trying my hand at becoming a guest type contributor for LeakyNews. They are looking for a lot of people to fill in their new rewatch segment of the site. I think it is the perfect opportunity for me to start contributing to an online platform that I admire. I know that there is a chance that I may not move on beyond just the rewatch part, but it is something that I am going to try to do. I am planning to write about 30 Rock. So, if anything, I know I will be having a lot of fun doing it. And that's all that matters in the end, right?

What to do Next

Last week, I was accepted into the MBA program at the university where I live. People seem to be excited for me. I'm not. At least, I wasn't at first. Technically, I still am not but it isn't the same sort of lack of excitement.

I know that I am at a bit of crossroads in my life where I am not 100% sure what I want to do (although there are a few options that I am considering and really wanting to pursue), I know that I do not want to be stuck living at home for another two years, with a strong likelihood that it will be more than that. I do not have much of an interest in business and from endless job hunting, I have gathered that degrees have become practically meaningless in the job market. In fact, they have become a deterrent as there have been several positions that I have interviewed for and the person interviewing me shared concerns about me leaving for another position because I have a degree, or that I may be 'bored' with the position. It's incredibly frustrating.

Then, I started to think about what I could do back on a college campus. I can apply for internships that require college credit, because I am back in college. I can work while obtaining the degree, because they are all night courses and I can tell the person interviewing me that I have to stay for at least two years, and that's no guarantee with anyone else they are hiring. I can work on creating things that can be distributed and seen by other people. I can work for the school paper or radio station instead of trying to claw for those jobs in the 'real world' so that I can get some experience. I can study abroad like I always wanted to in undergrad, or at least do an exchange with another school in the US and land an internship in New York or Chicago. If anything, I could even just do this whole MBA thing for a year, land a job, and say goodbye to it with absolutely no qualms. I even looked over the curriculum and it seems like there is a stronger likelihood of becoming bored than becoming stressed over the workload.

Plus, things never work out the way people intend them to. Maybe this is a way for me to do everything I thought to doing in undergrad but didn't due to not knowing about it, being to scared to try, or just not having enough time. If anything, my GPA will be much higher and it will be seemingly more impressive because it's grad school which apparently is some sort of big deal. As long as I eventually reach the same final point, is it really going to matter how I got there?

Checking in and Changing Pace

I've disappeared for a bit there, partly because I was trying to focus my writing energy on other things and partly because my computer is getting worse at being a computer. But, I thought that I should check in a month after a lot of blogging just for the sake of checking in.

The thing is that I do't always feel that I have something that I want to say in long form blog type form, or at least, I don't feel like it is something that I would want to say here. But, at the same time, I sort of want to keep this going, maybe not as often as I would like and certainly not in the format that I thought it would be in at first.

I used to always think too much about the length of a specific blog post or what sort of topic that it should cover and how often that should be. I guess, to an extent, I wanted to be able to write something on regular basis to prove to myself that I can do it and if I were ever to try to get a job that had something to do with writing, I could  point to this blog and say "hey I can write about something almost everyday if I need to!"

But when I look back on a lot of my posts, well they aren't exactly the greatest and I think that is because I was pushing it a little too much. I want my posts to come more naturally and I think that will come with consistency but not a forceful one. I also think I stick with one simple format with my posts. Sure, this is not going to be as random as my Tumblr or as short as my Twitter, but I think changing things up a bit will be better for this blog and for me.

I am going to try to add more pictures here and give explanations to go along with them. Maybe through in some creative writing every once in a while instead of some semi-emo posts. Or maybe I'll just make posts of lists because I make lists for just about everything else. I mean, who even knows at this point?

Forgetfulness and Quitting

As you can see, I have not blogged for the past three days. Initially, this was not on purpose. I completely forgot about blogging on Friday. I had a topic ready for that day (I was going to gush over Justin Timberlake's new album, because, well, it's fantastic) and I had planned a potential time slot to write it. Then, I got distracted by the news and my cousins being over and it completely got pushed out of mind. I actually had the time to write it a few times, but it was not on my mind at all, until I was about to go to sleep at 2:30 am. I was lying in bed and it popped in my head that I forgot to write up a blog post. Oops.

I had forgotten to write a blog post before though, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Then, the next day I just had absolutely no desire to write anything. It was the same sort of feeling that I had on Thursday, but I decided to just not even try with anything else, especially since I had not posted the day before, so I kept with the trend. I felt very blah this weekend in general. I had zero motivation to do anything And it isn't as if I have a lot of strenuous things to do, but I was just sapped in terms of motivation to do anything that would require any sort of effort whatsoever. 

I find that I have gotten this feeling much more often than I did when I was in school, which is odd because I was an extreme slacker and procrastinator when I was in school. Even when I set myself up a schedule or a to-do list to follow, it does not strike that same sort of feeling to actually do something. And since this feeling keeps popping up, it is not very easy for me to officially declare that I am "quitting" BEDA. 

The main reason that I started BEDA was so I could make myself get into the habit of constantly writing again, even if it is about nothing really or (as seen in the subject matter of many posts) the same thing again and again. I think that I have reached the point where I can write something easily if I need to, but not in the form of a blog post each day. I have an unfinished short story that I want to actually finish. I have ideas for other stories and sketches that I want to write. I have recently had a bit of breakthrough with how to format the writing for a novella that I toyed with a few years back. Basically, this half-assed attempt at BEDA did actually help because I have been writing more often and it got some of my creative juices going. 

With that, I am not going to completely abandon my blog. I will keep writing in it, just not at the frequency of each day but, definitely at a frequency that is more than once or twice a month. I know that I could keep blogging everyday along with working on other writing projects, but I feel that I can come up with much more quality, and certainly much more polished, posts if I do not make blogging an everyday thing. 

I guess, in this case, quitting a self imposed challenge was the right thing to do.