Perhaps "clutches" isn't the correct way to describe it, but, well, I guess I should describe the situation first.
I have been looking for and applying to internships (and a few jobs but mostly internships) over the past few months. I haven't gotten any calls from any of them, but I also haven't applied to a ridiculous amount like I did before I landed a job at Starbucks. So, I didn't get that feeling of complete failure and hopelessness that I got before, because hey, at least I have something of a job and I'm in school and surely I'll land something upon graduation, right?
Basically, I took that pressure off of myself which has made me apply to things that are seemingly more interesting (which will help me in the long run, so I know what to really look for when the time comes) and I've just relaxed more when it comes to the job hunt. At least that's what I thought.
I thought that I was not feeling so much pressure and that's why I wasn't applying to quite as many internships. Then, about a week ago, I came upon perhaps the most perfect internship position. It came through an email job alert I have and through a university email. It is a sales and marketing position that goes until August with the possibility of a hire and, of course, with it being an internship I can stop working right at August...and it is at McKee Foods, the company where my mom works. I ought to be a shoe-in for this position. I am going to apply through the university and I will be able to make note of my mom as a company internship. I have the experience and education from the past few months to be able to bring in and highlight on my resume and then interview that will likely allow me to stand above the other applicants.
In short, I am qualified, it is interesting, and I have a connection via school and family.
And I am scared I won't get it. My hopes are way too high for this position and I know there is a great chance that I will not get it, just like with the 400+ other positions I have applied to, but I am now too scared to even apply to it. Which, as we all know with the great 'you miss 100% of the shots you don't take' quote, means I definitely will not get it. I thought that I was over it. I thought I had overcome the job application fear. But, I think now, I am much worse than I before I started the MBA program. I think part of it is because I am comparing myself with other people in the program along with my friends from undergrad and co-workers. There are people in my exact 'situation,' but they have things working better for them whether it is in their career fields or personal lives or whatever else it may be. I have more comparisons and instead of ignoring them and focusing on me, I use it to become distracted and fall into the clutches of fear.
So, yeah. I guess clutches was the correct terminology.
